Spent a whirlwind week speaking at a conference in Indianapolis where I enjoyed 70 degree weather (ok...only for a day, but I enjoyed it) and then spent the remainder of the week in the far less glamourous reaches of southern Pa where I can half heartily report that the daffodils are budded above muddy cold earth and scattered forsythia blooms look forlorn and ragged.
Put in a cold frame, did I tell you? You know what that is? Well, it's ironically named for one, because not more than 14 days after putting it in, temperatures outside dipped to 17. I like to say if it had been one mark higher on the meter, the temp would have been legal. Anyway a cold frame is a couple pieces of wood slapped together to form a rectangle with a sloped top...the slope of which slides south. You put the frame on a suitably tilled plot of soil, then put a couple of glass panes over top to trap all the solar energy that streams inside. For two weeks there, it was doing great and the soil inside was like padding around a north carolina farm in July. So I got cocky and laced the whole thing with a seed mix for fancy salad greens. One week later, I added a row of radishes and beets. Two days after that...just as the lettuce was beginning to emerge, we had this cold snap we're currently going through and I've been afraid to look inside ever since.
Back in the single saddle again. Did I tell you? I won't go into all the gory details, but yes, single again.
You know what my problem is? I just can't get off on the gay of it all any more. The more I think about sex with men my age, the more I think about gay sex in general, the more it seems laughable. I mean, Jesus, I'm 47 years old, and while I probably have a few more miles on me in the attractive department, the idea of laying down with another man, equally as old and playing house, seems preposterous. What am I going to do?
I can't date someone younger...too much younger...I just don't think we'll have anything to talk about. It's like I've reached a Waterloo. Before, anxious ridden, I used to be able to turn on a porn, take a hit of poppers and lose myself in some jerk off session. I used to be able to escape that way. Same thing with tricking. Used to be able to log on to the web, find an apartment buzzer to ring, head on over, shoot a load and move on with my day...now...regardless of what I try, jerking off or sleeping around, I can't prevent reality from covering me over. I was, am and will be an older gay man, pursuing the sex of what really should be left to adolescents. At least straights can legitimize their partnership with some solid goals like children and though I wouldn't defend that statement vigorously, it is a reality. I mean an old woman and old man having sex is almost as gross as two men, almost, but their partnership has the rearing of kids as a focal point and that somehow seems like it makes more sense to me. What do partnered gay men strive for? Extracurricular play dates with online buddies? A trip to NY for the black party? Redecorating the vacation house in CR? I don't know. I guess the more I talk about it, the more ridiculous my statements seem. I guess they pursue happiness, like they're supposed to. I guess that's what they do.
I haven't been doing that. I've been pursuing making money, shopping and growing vegetables. And here's where I am: Business is up; I have a house full of shit that doesn't look right; and the icy weather snapped up the vegetables in the frame. I'm one for three.
Saw a couple with an old dog living in an RV. I imagined they were thrown out of some house somewhere, more victims of the current economic times. I thought, how do you make the decision to live in an RV with an old dog. And then it dawned on me, with the right partner, with the right friend, life is much , much better, and almost anything is bearable and nice.
1 comment:
Reading your blog. We're the same age... although I'm five years into the future after you wrote this post. I was coupled when you wrote it, so it's like visiting a ghost of my past then to think about what was happening five years ago. I don't know if you're still single, but I am. I do think the whole "cohabitation" question is different now... I'd like to think I could still live with a man (a rugged top who loved my ass!) but I don't know, at least I'm not as certain as I was 10 years ago... or more. I do think it's good to keep the possibility open though. If I've learned anything, and I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir), it's that there can be a surprise even around a corner you've turned before. xx
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